300

The 300 men stared down into the valley from their mountainside perch, sizing up the seemingly innumerable enemy below them. 

Their leader was a fearful man who had no hope of boosting courage among his tiny ranks. It was a fair assessment to say the odds were clearly against them. 450 to 1 in fact. A chance of 0.002% that they would win the battle. Their task to take back their homeland was, simply put, impossible. 

As I gaze down at the valley of my life tonight, I feel like the fearful leader. The odds are against me, 450 to 1. 

*Watching a parent battling a dreaded disease that already claimed the life of the other.

*The difficulties that accompany a yet to be diagnosed neurological disorder that randomly comes and goes, leaving my face paralyzed, other parts of my body in severe pain, and my fine motor skills almost none existent.

*The mental and physical exhaustion that comes with raising small still-not-sleeping-through-the-night kind of kids.

*Having 3 very accident prone, surgery requiring kind of kids.

*The overwhelming demands of keeping a house in order with toddlers around and hands that don't cooperate.

*The challenge of being a good wife to my hard working and not-here -very -often husband, even after a long day of cleaning up spilled milk,  being covered in oatmeal and boogers, and playing referee to little squabblers.

*The major task of homeschooling my oldest child.

My odds of winning this battle are 0%, much less coming out alive with my sanity intact. I cannot do this on my own. Of my own strength, I have nothing to bring to this battle. Nothing. My body is weak, in pain, and uncooperative. My mind is so very tired from 5 years of severe sleep deprivation and stress. My spirit is crushed from watching my loved ones get sick. It is abundantly clear that I don't have the strength to make it through even one more day. 

The 300 and their leader have quite an extraordinary story. Their mission was impossible. They had a 0% percent chance of winning, and were trembling in their boots. Why would they go into a battle they couldn't win? 

 It's because God himself put these 300 in this position of impossibility so the people would know His strength. To show that human impossibility was not only possible, but already accomplished with Him.

Those 300 men won their land back in a landslide victory with only glass pitchers, torches, and trumpets. Not even swords. The strategy God used to win the battle was so ridiculous to our way of thinking. And yet, it showed how much we really don't know, and just how powerful God is.

What's my point in telling you all this? 

Well, it's a sort of confession. I had a friend tell me she didn't know how I was hanging in there and said how strong she thought I was. The truth be told,  I am not making through the day on my own. As much as I would love to take credit, I can't. The me that is hidden to most of the world is fragile, lonely, broken, exhausted, and discouraged. But the One sustaining me does the impossible. When I make it through a day in one piece,  I am a testament to His mercy. To His strength. To His comfort. To His patience. Not my own.

Some days, I get it wrong. I forget to start my battle on my knees before the God of heaven and earth. I try to do everything on my own strength, to feed my own pride and let everyone see how strong I am. 

On those days, I have a 0% chance of winning. I fail miserably. I am reminded of how frail I really am. Because the truth is that I cannot do this alone. Nor was I meant to.

If there is one thing that I am slowly learning through all of this, it's that sheer desperation and dependance on God is actually a good thing. He is the only one who can accomplish the impossible. And so here I am today, telling you straight up that I am not getting by on my own strength. I am not strong, but actually very weak. But in my weakness, I am made strong.

It is God who is strong and carries my load. It is God who gives me the patience when I can't get the diaper tabs open because my fingers aren't working. It is God who comforts me even through the illness of those I love. It is God who gives me the physical strength to make it through the day even when my eyes are stinging from lack of sleep and my patience lacking. It is because of God that I can make it out of bed every morning to face the difficulties I know are waiting for me.  It is God, and ONLY God.

I don't know what other difficulties lie ahead for me. I'm sure there will be many. But I choose (minute by minute!) to let God fight this battle for me. He's the only one who can. And history would dictate that in the end, when all is said and done, there will be no dispute that it was God that carried me through. 

Writer's Block

Wikipedia says this: coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.

⁽ Weiten, W. & Lloyd, M.A. (2008) Psychology Applied to Modern Life (9th ed.). Wadsworth Cengage Learning. ISBN 0-495-55339-5.)

It's been a while. Actually, that's an understatement! It's been a year since my last published post. I suppose you could call it a case of writer's block. As in, I've been blocking my posts from ever getting published.

"Why?",  you might ask. Well, when it comes down to it, every post I wrote shouted my frustration at my own short comings and failure to be the best at what I long to be best at: Motherhood. So in order for me to get over this writer's block, I will summarize the last year. And then, hopefully, I will become a regular blogger once again.

It wasn't an easy year for me physically. I was pregnant and endured 9 months of severe 24 hour vomiting, hospitizations and bed rest. It felt like 280 days of the worst flu I have ever had. During that time I also tore the meniscus in my knee and wore a brace that made me look like Robocop, and needed help up and down the stairs for weeks.  I went about my daily chores limping and with 2 toddlers wrapped around my legs as I would vomit again and again and again, while trying to change diapers and make dinner and keep up with laundry and housework and getting groceries.  I was up at least 3 times every night to comfort my oldest during her night terrors. I worked until I could barely walk because the baby I was carrying was so low and caused so much pain.

The emotional aspect of all of this was very hard for me. I went through some major bouts of depression. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't know how I would survive the utter exhaustion, vomiting, and physical pain I knew was before me. I didn't know where I would find the patience to handle 2 toddlers. It was a time of  character building and "spiritual muscle" building like no other. With the peaceful birth of a tiny, perfect little girl, the physical discomfort ended.

And with her arrival, (I'm not going to post her birth story, but suffice to say that it was the easiest delivery out of the 3, and you can see the pics here) I realized why I had walked through fire for the previous 9 months. It was preparing me for the even crazier life that awaited me. I often get asked, "So what's it like with 3?" And, in all honestly, for me, it has been a lesson in....coping.

Some days, everyone does what they are supposed to, everything flows smoothly, and I feel like it was a victory day, and that I'm actually not too bad at this stay at home mother thing. Some days, one child is grumpy and the day goes by with a few tense moments, but overall, things are good. On a day when 2 kids are grumpy, I feel my patience wan and "dragon mommy", as my eldest lovingly refers to me as, pays a visit. On a day when all 3 are grumpy, well, on those days I think I would prefer to run screaming down the street with my hair on fire. On those days, it takes everything I have and more not to break down and throw the same tantrum my toddler is throwing. Those days are the ones that make me question why on earth I was chosen to be the mother of these unpredictable-yet-so-predictable little beings.

I am learning to cope. Cope with the fact that I am outnumbered 4 to 1 in the battle to keep my house clean. Cope with my inability to get 3 kids fed, cleaned, dressed, and in the car in under 90 minutes.  Cope with aforementioned crazy kids and what feels like 1000 temper tantrums a day, and cope with 20 pounds of baby weight to go. Cope with mourning my favorite job because it doesn't make economic sense to work with 3 babies at home. Cope with my many imperfections and flaws, and cope with the fact that motherhood seems to magnify them tenfold. Cope with loving my kids so much it physically hurts me. Cope with feeling like I am ruining them for life. Cope with the lack of "me" time and the fact that it has taken me 2 months to write this post.  Cope with barely being able to cope.

In closing today's post,  I leave you with a verse that gave, and continues to give me the will to keep trying, keep fighting, and keep getting back up after failing. It is what helps me (sometimes, let's be honest here) to take a deep breath while I am faced with a screaming brood of kinder.   

James 1:2  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^a whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.



 

Honesty

A bear can only be poked so many times before it wakes up and looks you in the eye. You can only taunt him for so long until he takes a swipe at you. And in this case, my friends, this mama bear has been poked and taunted too many times. And so, as any good mama bear does to protect her young, the claws are out and swinging.

In case you follow my blog regularly, you'll have noticed by now that I have been silent for a very long time. To be honest, there are many posts that are in the editing stage, but when I started to review the content, I realized that every single post has negative things to say . Such is my way of thinking at the moment. Frustration, stress, sleeplessness, anger, and irritability all boil down to one single thing: a lack of control. In the fight for marriage equality and a greener earth, there is one fight that we seem to have forgotten. A fight that, for me, has become of the utmost importance since becoming a mother. We seem to have forgotten the fight for the innocence and safety of our children.

I can't control the people who choose to text while driving, endangering their own lives and the lives of others on the road, including those of my kids. I can't control the fact that sexual expression has overrun our society, to the point where kids as young as 7  these days find it halarious to post humiliating videos of their enemies, purposely getting them naked and in compromising positions, and then sending it to a web site for all to see, or hearing a 6 year old talking about his daddy's porn collection while his 4 year old brother is gyrating on the patio to "I'm sexy and I know it". I can't control that song S&M by Rihanna seems to play on repeat at certain grocery stores, despite it's X rated lyrics and the fact that the singer herself was surprised it got airplay.  I can't control the fact that during class a teacher will show an online video of a lunatic killing, having sex with, mutilating and then eating his victim. I can't control the fact that all around us children are being exposed to things so sinister, so dark, so disgusting, and parents just shrug their shoulders and say, "Oh well, it was bound to happen. Oh well, you know, boys will be boys. Oh well, kids can be cruel. Oh well, they need to learn to toughen up. Oh well, you just need to do a better job as a parent."

I ask you, WHAT IN THE HECK ARE WE DOING TO OUR CHILDREN?????  In the fight for freedom of expression, freedom to do whatever we like, to be entertained, to post whatever tickles our fancy, freedom to explore our deepest darkest desires, our children are the ones being burned. Our children are the ones that will have seen 100,000 murders on television before they turn 18. Our children are the ones that will have porn images burned into their brains for the rest of their lives, affecting their future relationships and jobs (see the Mcleans article on men and porn if you don't believe me) Our children are the ones that are learning to bully others from what they are shown from the adults. We can't even watch a hockey game without teaching our children that fist fights are exciting, or that the only way to have fun is to get drunk while dancing around practically naked, and that you can only wear that bikini if you look hot, and that looking hot is where you get your sense of identity from. That you are only valued if you are good in bed. That if you choose to with only one person in your life, you shall be mocked, jeered, and humiliated for wanting to keep beautiful something so intimate. Forget that the legal age for consent is 16; from the time our kids are babies they are being exposed to sexual images, lyrics, and the idea that life IS sex (and dirty naughty sex at that), not that sex is just a beautiful PART of life.

In a world where an episode of the Kardashians sums up everything our culture seems to strive for, we have cheapened our children's lives. We are cheapening our own lives. I can't even take my kids to the grocery store without them seeing magazines with dead or naked people on the cover, articles screaming in bold letters "His Wildest Sex fantasies come to life!", the drugs, the scandals. I can't go to a family restaurant without the "Dr Love" store that moved in beside it have their display window full of sex toys and giant wall sized images of naughty nurses right next to the restaurant door.  I can't let my kids run and play outside by themselves because of the knowledge that the little 6 year old, when innocently playing doctor, is going to act out what he's seen on the computer on another unsuspecting little child.

Frankly, I am sick of it. I've been pushed to the brink of fed-upness. I hate the feeling that everywhere I turn, my impressionable little ones are being fed false messages of worth and value and being exposed to adult activities much too early. Sure, I could move to a cave. I could keep my kids inside all day, never venturing out in the light of day. But I don't want to. I want to be a contributing part of society. I want that for my kids. I want to be able to take them to the store and teach them how to count, what foods to buy, and what to look for on the labels. I want to be able to have an evening out with my family at a restaurant. I want my kids to be able to play with the neighbours. But I want this without their senses being ASSAULTED by damaging images of adult activities and false messages of worth.

And so, today, I'm out to warn you that I am on a war path. Call me a prude. Call me a cow. Call me unenlightened. Call me overprotective. Call me unsatisfied.  I don't care. My JOB is to protect the innocence of my impressionable kids. To help them to grow up to be kind, loving, honest individuals who get their self worth from being a child of God and not how some random person rates their looks on a sexiness scale of 1 to 10. To teach my kids that every single person is of equal value in the eyes of God, and that our hands are to heal, not destroy. Our mouths are to speak truth and love, not jealousy and spiteful words. That even when we are hurt, our actions must remain kind.  That life is not fair, but in the unfairness there is beauty. That true beauty comes from a pure heart. 

To the grocery stores, I am boycotting you until you put covers on those magazines and start playing G-rated music. Farmers markets, here I come! To the MPs, I am asking you to create laws prohibiting gore and sexual humiliation sites. I'm also asking that it be made a crime to watch child porn from live streaming, not from just possessing it. To all the adults, I'm asking you to think. Think long and hard about what your freedom of expression is doing to our children. Is it worth all the hurt and pain in their lives?  The depravity that our kids are beginning to manifest? To the parents, I'm asking you to start fighting for your children. Start fighting for their right to innocence. Start fighting for their protection. Start teaching them right from wrong. Start teaching them that each person counts.

 It only takes a small stone to start an avalanche, and that is what I'm hoping to do.

There. I'm not done my rant by any means. Like I said, mama bear has awoken and the paws are swinging. Please help me in my fight to keep our kids innocence for as long as we can. For their RIGHT to innocence.  If you do feel the same way, (and I KNOW that I am not the only one), start writing letters to your MP and your local stores.  Together, we CAN change the course of society, at least for our children's sake.

Thank you.

All About Elowenn

Elowenn is my darling little 7 month old. I can't believe how fast time has gone with her, and I enjoy every single minute with our surprise baby. And because Charlotte is usually the "star" of my posts, I figured it's high time that you knew a little about our other baby girl!

Little Elowenn is a tiny, chubby, snuggly little cherub of a baby. She is happy 95% of the time, and is constantly screaming in delight and making adorable baby noises. She only wakes up 2 times in the night to nurse, and has 2 naps a day. And all I need to do is put a soother in her mouth, lay her down, and boom! Her little eyes close and she falls asleep with barely a peep. This, for us, is REVOLUTIONARY!!!

She is very attached to her Mama, and is constantly smothering me with kisses and hugs. She is a champion nurser (seriously, it only takes her 10 minutes to empty both sides) and loves sweet potatoes and hates avacado and bananas.

She has been described as "a little blob" by her pediatrician, for the simple reason that Elowenn doesn't move. She doesn't roll, or really make much of an effort. The reason for this? The doctor thinks it's simply because she doesn't have to, and not that she can't. With a doting big sister and her mama wrapped around her little finger, everything is brought to her on a platter.  She loves the jolly jumper and can sit up for hours, though if she falls over she can't get back up yet. And she loves to observe. She loves to observe so much that she can sit through an hour and a half church services without fussing. She loves to watch her big sister and all her antics, and will giggle and wiggle and scream whenever Charlotte comes near her.

And that's all about Elowenn. She is so easy to love, so easy to mother, and just so darn cute with her big baby blue eyes and dimpled hands.  She has changed our world!

Addiction

I never used to drink coffee. Even though it's the drug of choice for many, the aroma and bitter taste just never appealed to me. Some would tell me, "It's an acquired taste, you'll get used to it," but the best I could do was a specialty coffee or put lots of Bailey's into that cup a joe and then smother it in whipped cream. I just never felt I liked it. Or needed it. That is, until I had 2 kids.

I don't know what possessed me, but one day I was tired. Exhausted, actually. With the days so short, there are only a few hours to get things done. Then subtract the hours where your 2 year old needs attention. Then subtract the time your baby needs for nursing, burping, and changing. That leaves a whopping 30 minutes (at least it feels like that) to clean the dustballs rolling across the floors, get 50 loads of laundry folded and put away without the toddler unfolding it all and throwing it around the room, and make 3 square meals.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes, I was exhausted to the point of sleeping while standing at the counter. And there, I saw some coffee. Luke warm coffee that the hubby had not finished before leaving for work. And for some reason in my cloudy brain, I forgot that I don't like coffee. All I saw was a drink ready for consumption, and that I wouldn't have to life a finger to make something for myself. And I mechanically grabbed that mug and downed its contents with one gulp. And then I had an epiphany.

I actually LIKE coffee! After 31 years of going for tea, I had discovered why people drink the dark stuff. And now, I have become a believer. I learned how to use our coffee maker (seriously I had no idea how to use it before). And I can't start my morning without my cup-a-joe. And if you want to go for coffee, I'm game. I'll even order an americano, with an extra espresso shot. And thank you Lord for a natural way to give me energy after being woken up 6 times every night for the last 5 months!

The Remember Whens

If I were to describe my life right now, I don't think it would make for the most interesting post. I'm the mother of 2 young kids, one of which is a mischievious and busy toddler. I'm the wife of an amazing and busy man. I'm desperately trying to lose the baby weight but am completely and utterly unsuccessful in my attempts.

But as boring as that all sounds, there are so many things that happen during the day that are becoming the "Remember When" moments, those moments where today they make me frustrated or horrified, but in 20 years I will look back on them and laugh.

Like when I caught my monkey of a 2 year old sitting in the suitcase that was being packed for our trip to Paris, surrounded with shreds what was the pretty wrapping paper of the gifts we were to bring along. And when she licked (yes, licked) her babysitter's behind and found it the funniest thing in the world. And when she got out of her bed, went into her sister's room, and decided to create a giant mural on the freshly painted wall with a ball point pen. And when she was hungry and dragged a chair over to the stove, turned it on, filled a pot with pasta and put that on the hot element, miraculously without burning herself. At 5:30am. Or after a punishment I asked her how we got there, and she said, "well, mama, once upon a time I was a princess, and I hitted my stister and taked her toys and waked her up. But Jesus still loves me though, mommy".

And then there are the moments that I cherish even as they happen, and that I know I'll hold dear as time marches on. Like when Elowenn giggles as I kiss her chubby feet. And when Charlotte throws her arms around me and says, "Mama, you're my best friend. I love you so much in the whole wide world!" And watching my little 4 month old sleep, a chubby dimpled hand resting on her squishable rosy cheek. And dancing around in crazy circles with my little Lottie, all to fall into a heap on the floor and a tickle war ensues. Or seeing the excitement when Daddy walks in after a long hard day at work as one little girl does the happy dance and the other grins ear to ear.

It's an exciting and crazy time of life. It keeps me on my toes, and I am by no means a ballerina. But I love it.

Give us this day our daily bread

*Disclaimer: I am not a preacher, I'm not a spokesperson. I'm just sharing with you my daily challenge from the One who made me, in the hopes that maybe it will challenge you too.

As you can imagine, with a mischievous 2 year old and a nursing-every-1.5-hours 2 month old at home, I don't have much time to myself. The little time I do have is usually spent frantically trying to tidy my "looks like we just had a tornado" house and taking a shower.

This morning, I was up at 4:45am so that I could feed my baby and hit the gym before Julien left for work. And as I drove, I had my morning talk with God. It's usually all about me. I whine about how tired I am, about how my adorable toddler just sometimes pushes me to the brink with her shenanigans, and about how I have no time to do the things I love, like napping, reading or scrap booking in peace. But for a good reason, I was put to shame today.

I was reflecting on the Lord's prayer. I'm sure you know it, or at least have heard of it. I was thinking about the lines "Give us our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." For the first time, these words really hit me in a way I never expected them to.

I've been researching the famine in Somalia, the worst in 60 years. Every day, 200 children alone DIE from lack of food. As a mother, I rejoice when my babies are fat and happy. I get a kick out of how happy Charlotte is when I give her a chocolate chip. I can't imagine not being able to provide for my children, watch them as they get weaker and weaker,and then have them die a most horrible death in my arms because I couldn't give them the one thing they needed: Food. I can't imagine being helpless to that point, with the store just down the road chalk full of goodies. And I could see how desperately the words "God, give us our daily bread" have become for these poor suffering people half a world away.

The real catcher for me though, is that "our daily bread" is followed by "Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us".

It hit me that I am trespassing against these people. By selfishly grabbing a coffee at Starbucks, or indulging in chocolate bars (hence the gym at 5am) or thinking about what new toy I want for Christmas, I am not helping a human in need. I am not clothing them, feeding them or giving them drink like Jesus has commanded me to do. Because of me spending my money on unnecessary treats for myself and my family, there is a child who will die. Or who has already died. That is one of the most depressing thoughts ever.

While I know that issthis is a complex issue full of politics and corrupt governments, there ARE relief organizations on the ground in Somalia handing out precious nutrients and life saving food. And every dollar given feeds a child for a day and provides the necessary vaccines (measles is now rampant!!) to help disease remain at bay.

An estimated 1.5 billion dollars is still needed to help this starving country. We don't hear about it on the news, or it's a 15 second blurb followed by 15 minutes of hockey and baseball highlights. How can we so callously ignore the plight of so many human beings like ourselves? If it were in our country, this would be headline news for hours upon hours, on every.single.channel.

Today, I've been challenged to give up my luxuries. That chocolate bar and chai tea will not improve my quality of life. But that $6 will give 6 children full bellies for the day. It will help 6 precious lives stay alive.

Like I said, I am not a spokesperson, I'm not a preacher. But I did get a royal butt kicking this morning, and I feel the need to share this horrible, atrocious famine that's happening in our world in the hopes that maybe you'll decide to give up that cup of coffee, even if just for one day.

Websites to check out if you would like to learn more or donate:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2011_East_Africa_drought

www.worldvision.ca/give-a-gift/Pages/DroughtintheHornofAfrica.aspx

www.actionagainsthunger.org/blog/famine-declared-somalia-scale-scope-reach-catastrophic-levels?gclid=CM_Uw6bsu6wCFQZbhwodDUL1vQ

The Birth Plan

When I visited the maternity ward at the hospital, the nurse told me that I should get a birth plan onto paper. "Um, a what?" I asked, feeling stupid that I had already had a child and had no clue what that was. The first time around was very difficult (you can read about that here) and so I guess I just expected things to go the same way. As I left the hospital I began to think of things that I wanted to have happen this time around. A) I wanted my mom there, because she wasn't allowed to be in the room in France. And B) I wanted an epidural. Oh no, I am not a martyr, I am not a hero, and so Mother and Epidural were the only two things on my birth plan.

I suppose I could have also added August Baby to the list, but with a due date of Aug 31st, and Charlotte who was 2 weeks late, I had pretty much resigned myself to having a September baby. Julien would just laugh at me about my explanations as to why an August baby would be so much better than a September baby, and chalked it up to me being hormonal and being sick of being pregnant. I, however, thought they were legitimate. August, for me, feels like summer. Relaxed. Calm. Sunny. When I hear September, I feel crazy busy and can only think of school starting, school zones where traffic backs up, homework, and pulling out the winter clothes as the weather gets cooler.

And so, with everything ready for the baby and my simple birth plan written out and put into my suitcase, the wait was on. I worked my last shift at 38.5 weeks pregnant, went home, and unpacked some boxes at our new place. I did my best during that 39Th week to get the baby to come. Acupuncture. Chinese food. Spicy food. Exercise ball. Lifting and unpacking more boxes. Running up and down stairs. Jumping in the bouncy castle. Quality time with Julien. All of this, and only braxton hicks to show for it.

August 31st came along, and I had pretty much resigned myself to having a September baby. I was also sure that I would go way over due, seeing as how I'd had my membrances stripped twice and nothing was happening. Where I ripped my groin muscle because of my pelvic displasia. Yes, a big fat tear in the muscle causing a lot of bruising, swelling, and worst of all, leaving me unable to move my leg. How are you supposed to give birth when you cant separate your legs?

After having a laser therapy treatment on my torn muscle to try and reduce swelling, I wasn't feeling very good. I left the clinic and went to my mom's, thinking that I just needed to rest. At about 8pm I headed for home to put Charlotte to bed and try and get some rest myself, because what I thought to be braxton hicks were getting pretty regular and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I would have a baby in the next 48 hours.

Arriving home around 9, Julien plopped Charlotte in the bath while I got ready to lie down. It was a short lived bath for Charlotte, because as soon as I went to the loo, I noticed an awful lot of bloody show. And then contractions. Intense contractions, 5 minutes apart. The kind where you can't talk and you forget to breathe. And so off to the hospital we went, calling my mom and sister in law en route to meet us there. The 45 minute drive seemed to take forever, and I was hanging on to that holy crap handle in the car for dear life. And every 4 minutes now, intense pain.

Arriving at the hospital at 10pm, I waited for the nurse to check me. Charlotte's Auntie came and picked her up to take her away for the night. After being checked, the nurse threatened to send me home. "You're only 3 cm", she said, "and it's much too early for an epidural. You could stay that way for quite some time. But since you live 45 minutes away, why don't you walk for an hour, and then well see. If theres no progress, then you can go home and get some sleep."

And walk I did, with my mom and Julien at my side. All the while, the contractions were getting closer and closer together. By the time 11pm rolled around, I was contracting every 2 minutes and I was begging for the epidural. I was checked by the OBGYN as promised, and was at 6cm. He decided to break my waters and called the anaesthetist up. At around 11:30pm, they started to put in the epidural. But when I sat up to put it in, I could barely sit still. I felt like throwing up, like my insides were exploding, and like I needed to go to the bathroom for the big commission, as they say in French.

When the nurse heard that, she checked and was surprised to see that I was fully dilated and ready to push. Epidural not effective, the nurse called the specialist and the paediatrician (my waters had meconium in it) to come stat. They helped me get into position, taking care not to hurt my bad leg.

I remember saying, "I am soooooooo never doing this again!!!!!" after an insane contraction, and I remember the burning. Oh, the burning. I was crying, and then apologizing for crying, but I couldnt help myself. It just hurt so badly. I hadn't prepared myself at all for an eventual natural birth, and had no idea what I was supposed to do, or how to breathe through the contractions. With every contraction I felt myself floating away, and then the doctor would coax me gently back to earth.

And when I thought I couldnt handle any more pain, the doctor told me, "Come on Becky, the head is out, just one more push and you'll have your August baby!" I looked up at the clock. It was 11:56pm. And so push I did, with every last bit of strength I had left. I felt a rush of relief as I have never felt in my life, and my little Elowenn Rose was born August 31st at 11:59pm.

As I got stitched up, I looked at the new little one in my arms and fell in love. She was perfect in every way. I relished the absence of the most intense pain I've ever felt. I was able to breathe again. My mom and Julien were both there to look at our new precious bundle.

And then I tried to prepare for what I knew would be a terrible experience: nursing my new little one. With Charlotte, I would have rather given birth again than nurse 50 times a day. Every time that little babe latched on it was excruciatingly painful. For 19 months I had trooped on with her, enduring the bleeding blisters, abcesses, monthly bouts of mastitis, and pain. And I expected that this time it would be the same.

But I nursed Elowenn and was so surprised that for the very first time in my life as a mother, it didn't hurt. It was then that it dawned on me that I had endured 19 friggin months of bleeding nipples,infections and severe pain because Charlotte had a bad latch, and since I didn't have any support with breast feeding in Europe, I didn't know that this was the problem.

My recovery was pretty speedy this time around, and as I reflected on how things had gone, I realized that having a birth plan in place didn't prepare me at all for how things were going to go. It did, however, convince me that if ever there's a next time, I will definitely just go with the flow, and do the research for every type of delivery ;-)

Pregnancy Becomes Her

You know how some women who are expecting a baby are just radiantly beautiful? They gain 3 pounds throughout the entire pregnancy while eating whatever they crave, don't suffer an ounce of morning sickness, never get kicked in the ribs, are well rested, have a beautiful little baby bump that's perfectly round, no stretchmarks, have the baby with a short labour and without any stitches, and walk out of the hospital with their six pack visible and bikini ready with a newborn in their arms?

Yeah, well, this is so not me.

I have become the epidimy of the domestic UN-goddess. Truth be told, I suffered for the first 26 weeks with severe morning sickness and struggled with my every day chores, much less trying to think of funny stories to post. With the sun, I've now developed a so called "pregnancy mask" above my upper lip, on my cheeks and forehead, making it look like I either have either dipped my face in cocoa powder, or that I've really botched my lip liner job. And then there's the big ole bear claw marks that are forming fast and furious on my stomach. And it's official: the duck waddle/gorilla swing/hunchback of Notre dame walk accompanies me where ever I go. That needle on the scale keeps moving up. Not to mention permanent UTI's, and a case of severe symphysis-pubis dysfunction. You can look that one up, it sounds way grosser than it actually is but is more painful than anything you could imagine when trying to walk!

As uncomfortable as pregnancy is for me, there are some amusing things that have happened. Like when I presented Charlotte with her new little potty for the first time and she promptly put her head into it and pretended to throw up. Or how a girl finally worked up the nerve to ask if I was expecting, and the priceless look on her face when I deadpanned, "um no, actually". (I did fess up right after; I'm not THAT mean). I was pretty lucky with the weather up until now (of course it would be 30 degrees at the VERY END of my pregnancy). Some days I wonder if I'm ready for the change that's going to happen imminently. I keep thinking that it will be like how it was the first time around, with a long recovery time, a baby that NEVER sleeps and screams for hours and hours on end, and, to add to the chaos, a little mischievous 2 year old to add to the mix. In that respect, I'm actually kind of terrified.

That being said though, I am ready to meet our new little one. I am ready to be un-pregnant again. I am so excited for Charlotte to be a big sister. I am so excited to see Julien with a new little one in his arms, rocking it to sleep. I know it's not going to be all sunshine and lollipops, but I'm excited for at least 1 lollipop on a beautiful sunny day. Let's just pray that this day will come soon! ;-)

The Band Aid

Charlotte hates band aids. As in 100%,flat out REFUSAL to put one on, despite the fact that sometimes it's necessary. She'll kick, scream, cry, and whine if I even suggest putting an itty bitty little band aid on any body part. She cries when she sees someone else wearing one.

Now, I haven't the foggiest idea about where this phobia comes from, especially because it seems like every other kid on the planet loves to put a cool looking band aid on the every day scrapes and booboos that come with being a 2 year old. But, my kid's definitely one of a kind, so we just go with it.

On the flip side though, booboos are the BIGGEST deal in the world. We are dealing with a little drama queen here, so it's not surprising that even now we hear about a blister she had 3 months ago, or a scrape that's been non existant for EONS already.

Bearing this in mind, you can imagine my fear of her reaction on needing surgery to repair an umbilical hernia. After the terrible time we had holding her down for an ultrasound on her little belly,(it will forever make me laugh that the report from that ultrasound says "The baby was unco-operative"), I decided it would be best to mentally prepare myself for the screams, the tantrums, the physical flopping, flailing, and kicking that I just KNEW would take place the day of surgery.

We got to Children's hospital and began the process of trying to undress her to put her in the gown they had prepared. The nurse put numbing cream on her hands and covered it with the clear plastic tape. As she kicked and screamed because it was not her idea, I was like, "oh boy, and it starts! We're in for the worst."

But the wonderful thing at Children's is that all the staff are there because they love kids. They see these kids at their worst, and they still have so much compassion for them. And they brought bubbles. And a little hospital buddy that Charlotte got to colour. And they have video games. And tv. And crafts. After a little bit, my little monkey was so distracted that she forgot about what was on her hands, and even laughed a little when I had to don a yellow gown and hat just like her. The surgeon came to talk to us, and then the nurses brought us down the hall to the O.R. I had prepared her as much as I could for what was to come, right down to falling asleep with the mask on. And to my surprise, as I held my little girl in my arms on the OR table, kissed her, loved her, asked what flavour the mask was, and talked about that pink popsicle she would have, she looked at me with her big blue eyes. What I saw was her complete trust in me. She was not scared, upset, or worried. And I was amazed at how easily and peacefully she fell asleep.

I left the OR feeling relieved, and we patiently waited in the parents' room to be called to recovery. Again, I really need to stress how amazing the staff are! The nurse called us even before Charlotte was awake, so that we could be there when she did open her eyes. She talked us through what we could expect, and once Charlotte was fully awake, we got to wheel her to daycare, where she got her pink popsicle and a beautiful fairy wand, not to mention a visit from a volunteer who had all kinds of cool gadgets and things to show our facinated and groggy little girl. She was more than happy to comply when the nurse took out the IV, and handled everything like an absolute pro. I was even more proud when the anaesthetist came to see us, just to tell us that the OR staff wanted us to know how proud they were of Charlotte and of me too for the way we had handled everything in the OR. It was such a great feeling to know my child was safe, that her operation was a total success, and that she was being so good about the whole situation.

We got home after a very peaceful trip, and I gave her the gift we had prepared for her. She played with her new playmobile set and was the sweet, darling little girl that everyone adored at the hospital. She started running around the house as if nothing had happened to her, climbing stairs, climbing on the dresser, you know, all the stuff you feel like doing after abdominal surgery. But before every storm there is calm, is there not?

After being home for a couple of hours, the freezing started coming out and she started to whine a little about her tummy. I saw her little face scrunch up and tears fill her eyes when lifted up her shirt and discovered the BAND AID. It was that little Dora band aid that finally brought the freak attack I had been expecting. My daughter went through SURGERY like the bravest of the brave, and then all it took for her to come undone was a cute little band aid above her belly button.

And this is where we are now. While she's not in much pain at all and is pretty much her old self, there is that peskey little band aid that causes her to freak out every time she remembers its presence. There is no way she is going to keep that thing on for much longer, depite the explanations, coaxing, pleading,and promises of a treat. Then again, if that's all we need to worry about after this whole ordeal, it's a small price to pay.

But you can be sure we will hear about this band aid for years to come. And I do mean years!

The Gymnast

I have a little monkey. She climbs onto EVERYTHING. Countertops, barstools, tables, pianos, dressers, stairs, ladders, pedestahls, walls, doorjams, ottomans, fireplaces, change tables, strollers, trunks of cars; the list is pretty much non exhaustive now.

As safe as this all sounds (NOT), once she's up on something she's pretty much stuck there. Of course getting her to listen and not climb onto furniture is pretty much next to impossible. She knows the consequences of her escalading ways, but that tv stand is just too tempting for her eager little limbs.

With this in mind, I decided to enroll her in the toddler class at gymnastics, so that maybe she would learn that there is a time and place to scale the heights. Plus, I thought, it would be a good thing for her to have to listen to instructions from someone other than her daddy and me.

I honestly don't know what I was thinking.

For starters, my little darling was in a HORRIBLE 2 year old mood. By the time we got to the gym for the class, I was already ready to go home. The little sweetheart had refused to let me change her diaper, which was full and hanging down to her knees. That's like trying to climb with a water balloon between your legs. It looks super cool too. Then she flat out refused to do any of the circle time, throwing herself to the floor in a tantrum so as not to hold hands with any of the other little ones there. Then she froze when it was time to climb on all of the colourful mattresses, trampolines, bars, mats, you know, the stuff you're SUPPOSED to climb on. And then there's me, almost 9 months pregnant and trying my best not to get kicked or punched in the stomach by my stubborn child. It was a looooooong 45 minutes to be sure. And we were certainly a sight to behold.

Her climbing habit hasn't yet been curbed, but I have learned a valuable lesson. It's Daddy who can suffer through the rest of the monkeying around :-).

The Tantrum

It started off as any other day. My testy little Charlotte and I were off to the park, except this time we were going to be bringing a 3rd party, a little stuffed animal named Tigger. It was a beautiful day, and I was so excited to finally take advantage of the weather after being cooped up for so long.

A side note: Since our little bug hates to be put in the stroller because she loves to walk, we decided to get her one of those little baby harnesses so that she couldn't run away.

I asked her what she preferred that day, and she chose the Tigger harness as opposed to hanging on to the stroller. I helped her put her little arms through the straps while she giggled about Tigger riding on her back. I grabbed Tigger's tail and went to leave. And then, World War 3 ensued.

The little girl that had been so happy to walk to the park started to scream at the top of her lungs. She threw herself on the floor, arms thrashing, fists pounding, legs kicking furiously, her back arched and her words undistinguishable. I actually think she must have been letting loose a string of baby cuss words. Bewildered, I tried to figure out what was going on; did she get pinched when we closed the buckles? Was she in pain? After about 5 minutes it became clear: She thought she was going to the park and could run free along the way. Which is why we had gotten Tigger in the first place, because our little lovey doesn't listen when we yell "stop!" or "car" or "doggy dodo!! or "river embankment!!".

I gently explained to her that Tigger was going to stay on her back if she still wanted to go to the park, or we could take the stroller. I also informed the little missy that the way she was screaming and carrying on was unacceptable, and that if she wanted Tigger off her back, she could ask me nicely because no amount of screaming would coherce me to take it off. Yeah, big mistake. I apparently missed that tantrums class at Parenting 101 informing you should never test a 2 year old unless you're prepared to follow through.

The screaming, flailing, thrashing, and blubbering continued. After about 10 minutes of that, I was sure that everyone in the building was wondering what was happening. After half an hour, I was sure someone was going to call child services. After 45 minutes, I was almost at my wit's end and wondering if it was worth the fight. But I HAD said I wasn't taking Tigger off until she could ask nicely, so I decided to use every last bit of patience and self control that I had, (all the while silently praying for God to give me more, because I was at my breaking point after about 15 minutes of this!) and continued to let her scream it out. I found myself reminding her as gently as I could what the rules were and what acceptable behaviour was. I kept reminding myself that me yelling would get us no where; that I would be showing her exactly the opposite of what I was asking of her. And I continued to pray for God to curb my own reaction.

And then, after a solid HOUR of this amazing and terrible tantrum, came a tiny little hiccuppy voice, trying to speak through the sobs, "Mama, please take da tigger off, please mama." I looked at my tiny daughter, her big, blue, tear filled eyes downcast and defeated, her curly hair matted against her forehead, her clothes in utter dissaray, sweat pouring down her little face. I didn't know if it was relief I felt that it was finally over, or pity at how stubborn this little one is. It was a heartbreaking sight.

And at that moment, I felt my heart swell with love for this incredible little girl. I unbuckled the Tigger and swept her up my arms, her little body still quivering from her hour long ordeal. I smothered her chubby tear stained cheeks with kisses, brushed her hair out of her eyes, and told her how much I loved her and how proud I was that she had decided to ask nicely. She snuggled into my neck and repeated, " Sowwy, mama, Sowwy for da scweamin'. It's not vewy nice. I love you mama". I held her for the next half an hour, rocking her and stroking her head, until the sobs diminished and she was ready to play, the smile back on her adorable little face.

I know that my little monkey learned an important lesson, because the temper tantrums now only last about 3 minutes before she gives up, ready to obey and speak nicely. And while I am grateful that she has learned, I'm even more grateful for what I have learned out of this. 1: If I say it, I need to stick to my guns. It will pay off later. 2. My little one is incredibly stubborn, but is also willing to accept correction and discipline if I can keep my own temper in check and show her what's acceptable by my actions. 3. I need God's grace for parenting, because I have SUCH a long way to go in knowing how to handle these situations. 4.These difficult moments, as trying as they are, won't last forever.
5.There is no greater feeling in the world than when the battle is over!

The Streaker

It had been planned for weeks. A skype chat with my best friend in Australia. Unfortunately, it happened to fall on a day that the child was being very, very, very uncooperative. After trying unsuccessfully to have our long awaited chat, I finally snapped and put the little gaffer in her bed to scream it out, because she was desperately in need of a nap.

I came back to my conversation and caught up on some long awaited news. We chatted about life, about all the good and bad stuff happening in our lives. And the child was still screaming.

After about 45 minutes, I begrudgingly said goodbye to my friend and went to tend to my very grumpy daughter. To my utter surprise, there she was in her bed, standing with a radiant grin on her face,clearly proud of herself, and...... was completely and utterly buck naked.

Hold the fort! Back up a minute here! I put my daughter to bed in a diaper, onsie, and sweat pants. As I looked around for her clothes, I found the onsie with the buttons still done up lying on the floor. The diaper was still done up and stuffed between the crib and matress. And the pants, well, she had somehow managed to throw those into her open closet door.

Now if you have kids, you'll be able to appreciate how utterly talented you would have to be to wiggle out of a onsie without undoing any of the snaps. And how thankful I was that she did not use her bed as a potty.

While this episode did have me giggling, it's not quite as funny anymore as each nap now results in a little streaker tearing through the apartment.

And I am now more resolved than ever to focus on potty training this little girl before she paints the walls with something disgusting.

To Know or Not to Know? That is the question.

We've been debating on whether or not to find out the gender of our new little one. With Charlotte, it wasn't even a question of if I wanted to know or not. I HAD to know. I wanted to be prepared. This time around though, things seem different. I'm not as anxious with this pregnancy. Maybe it's because I've done it before. Or because I don't have the luxury of time to spend hours dreaming away and worrying like I did with Charlotte. Either way, we were still debating on the way to the ultrasound: Do we choose to wait or choose to know?

Like with everything, there are a list of pros and cons to consider.

Would I be able to hold out until end of August without knowing? Probably not. I absolutely hate surprises, and can't keep any secrets pertaining to myself (for other secrets, yes, I absolutely can keep them.)

Would I be able to keep the secret from family and friends until the baby came along, if I knew what it was? Fat chance.

Would we be able to come up with names for both genders, knowing how hard it was the first time around picking for just one gender? Hmm. Seeing as how we agree on very little when it comes to naming a child, this is asking for double trouble.

Would it be worth the wait to hear those words, "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" after those long hours of labour? Most likely.

Would I be proud of myself and surprise everyone else that I was able to wait? Hands down yes. In fact, I think those who know me well would be downright shocked that I was patient. For once.

And so we arrived at the ultrasound, still extremely wishy washy on the subject.

During the ultrasound, I found out that they won't tell you here until you're 21 weeks along to avoid selective abortion. I thought it would be a good plan to have it jotted down in the report, seeing as how they wouldn't release the information right away anyways, and that would buy me some time in this decision, seeing as how I wouldn't be seeing the OBGYN for another month.

And so I sat back, relaxed on the table, and watched my extremely active baby on the screen. After a while, I asked the technician if she could tell if our baby is a boy or girl. She replied, "well,actually, that's one thing I can't tell you." I nodded in understanding, knowing she was not allowed to say anything. Then she looked at me again and said, "I think you've misunderstood me. I can't tell you what it is, because I can't see what it is. You see, the cord is between its' legs." I lied there, stunned for a moment. Then my brain went into overdrive. ARE.YOU.SERIOUS. This can't be. What if I change my mind? What if I really have to know?

And just like that, my need to know came to life. No longer was I wishy washy on the subject. No longer was I thinking how proud of myself I would be for being patient and waiting it out. No, I needed to know. Right then and there. I wanted to be able to dream about my baby girl or boy, just like I did with Charlotte. About little dresses or little suits. About soccer games or ballet lessons. About a pink or blue room.

But now the ultrasound is done, and here in Canada it's the last one I'll have before this little one joins us. A decision thought to be ours was made for us. A little umbilical cord has decided our fate. I will be able to shock people that I waited. Julien and I will hash it out for the months to come to find not just one, but 2 suitable names. I will go crazy by July not knowing, and will probably end up buying little suits and little dresses.

And I will be so proud when after hours of labour I hear those words, "It's a boy! or It's a girl!". Vive the end of August!

The Trouble with French

Learning one language is hard. Have you ever seen a little kid trying to speak? They speak a mish mash of something, and then every once in a while a recognizable word comes out, and they are so proud of themselves. So try adding another language in there. Not only does it make for Undistinguishable conversation if you don't speak both languages (the poor babysitter!), it also makes for some major, um, misunderstandings.

Observe.

Charlotte and I were in WalMart, cruising the kid's book section. She grabs a book about farm animals and shouts out, "LOOK MAMAN, A BIG COCK!" I watch in horror as other shoppers glare at me, and try to rectify the situation by saying just as loudly, "yeah, baby, that is a big ROOSTER, good job for remembering it in French!".

Or the classic, "Look Maman, a baby FOCH! A baby FOCH!" Yeah, baby, that is a baby SEAL. Good job for rembering it in French!"

And on it goes. Innocent words in one language are a nasty taboo for children in another. How do we deal with this? While part of me finds it absolutely halarious, I am nervous for the day when she'll say it at church when we're not there or around the wrong person who doesn't know she's speaking French, and have social services called on me. Hopefully she'll soon be able to distinguish the difference between the2 languages.

In the meantime, if you hear a toddler screaming what you think is something foul down the book isle, it's just my kid. Excuse the French.

Charlottisms

My 21 month old is a talker. She's always been pretty vocal, but now the words are flowing fast and furious, in French and English. She loves phrases like, "oh, it's stuck Maman!" "Oops, I farted. Scuse me!","We live in Canata", "Kiss on my booboo?","I'm Chaaalotte", and my ever favourite, "Go away Maman whom I love!!" (and yes, she really does say that, but in French Vas-t'en Maman que j'aime!)

While there is no end to the things that come out of her mouth, the other night had Julien and I in stitches. I was sitting on the couch with her, enjoying a night time cuddle before she went to bed. All of a sudden, she got a mischevious look and, pointing to my chin, said "Maman, there's a blueberry in there."

I was a bit puzzled as to what she was talking about, until I touched the area where she had her little finger and realized that I had a zit the size of Texas on my chin (thank you pregnancy). I laughed and said, "No honey, that's not a blueberry. It's called a pimple." She then said,"no, blueberry in there. No, apple". Then she started giggling like a school girl, like her joke was the funniest thing ever. Then she moved in closer, scrutinizing my zit like she was a dermatologist. The she gave her diagnosis: " Maman, no apple. Banana. Banana chin." At this Julien and I burst out laughing, and she kept repeating in a sing song voice " Maman banana chin. Maman banana chin."

So yeah. My baby daughter has already started making fun of me. I have no idea what this child will be like later on. But I sure hope she keeps her sense of humour.

The surprise

I sat nervously waiting for them to call my name. The technician came and pulled me out of the waiting room. I asked politely if my husband could come with me for support. She said she would see once her findings were done. So I entered the room with her and without Julien, feeling alone and just a little scared.

The tech smeared some hot gel on my belly and began to move the wand around on the gel. An ultrasound. I tried to see the screen, but it was turned away from me. I winced. It's not like it's painful to get an ultrasound, but when your bladder is full and you gotta go, it's not the most comfortable thing in the world to have someone pushing around on it.

The tech measured something, click click click. She measured something else. Click click went the mouse. It seemed to take forever. I had no idea what she was looking at,and from the non expression on her face I could only guess. Then she asked me what my husband's name was. She went into the waiting room, got Julien, and sat him down beside me. He looked anxiously at me, hoping for one answer but expecting another.

The technician hesitated for a minute, cleared her throat, and said "Well, Becky and Julien, I need to show you the findings. I don't know how you will react, so I would rather have both of you here."

Ok, now back up 2 months. It was Christmas. I learned I was pregnant on Christmas Day. It came as a total shock because we weren't planning it, and truth be told, I had no idea how far along I was. The pregnancy test had shown 5+ weeks. In a panick, I called and made an appointement with my doctor, who sent me for an ultrasound. Because I had had a miscarriage in the summer, she wanted to follow this "pregnancy" closely.

When I had that ultrasound done, the tech told me, "I shouldn't tell you this, but all there is is an empty gestational sac, and that at this point there really should be seeing a yolk sac, fetal pole, and even a heartbeat. I just want you to prepare yourself for the big possibility of another miscarriage."

The doctor, after seeing the results, decided that she wanted to wait to see if I would miscarry naturally like last time. And so I was scheduled for another ultrasound in a month's time.

So back to my story. The tech turned the screen toward us and said, "Do you see what I see?" Julien and I peered at the screen, terrified that it was still just an empty sac, or that it had dissappeard completely. The tech, now smiling, said, "Well, folks, there is definitely somebody home in there."

And then we saw it. A baby. A heartbeat. A little precious life growing inside of me. The tech showed us its little arms, legs, profile, and heartbeat. Julien's eyes filled with tears, and we breathed a collective sigh of relief. On the way out we thanked God for blessing us again. We looked at the souvenir picture of our second child in shock and disbelief. I looked at Julien and said, "huh. So what do I do about work?" Ah, my new job. I was still on trial period for another 2 months. But that is a whole other post.

It turns out that it was just simply too early during the first ultrasound to see anything. Had we gone just one week later, we would have seen everything she thought she would see. Because my body was adjusting to weaning my daughter, my hormones were pretty messed up and I actually conceived much later than I would have normally. Hence the surprise baby.

We're so thankful that this new little child will join our family. I'm also a little scared of my little toddler's reactions and how having 2 small kids will be. But I still have 6 months to get used to the idea. And I am so incredibly blessed.

For Every Season There Is A Time

For every season, there is a time. These were my most memorable seasons of 2010, which, was, in my books, one of the most roller coaster years of my life. Enjoy!

January: The uncertainty of how we would survive with Julien losing his job and me on unpaid mat leave. The relief at him finding a new one closer to home. The sheer and utter fear of me taking a trans atlantic trip with my difficult little one by myself. The relief when the trip was over.

February: Doubt about me giving in my notice at work. The clarity when Julien's Canadian visa arrived 18 months ahead of time. The joy of seeing my family and pride at being in Vancouver during the olymipcs.

March-April-May: The stress of organizing an international move and selling our apartment. The sadness at saying goodbye to all of our friends and family in France. The excitement of starting something new and happiness at seeing our loved ones on this side of the ocean.

June: The concern when Julien wasn't being called for any interviews. The peace that came when he started his new job just 3 weeks after we arrived on Canadian soil.The worry when the sale on our apartment fell through. The surprise and elation at finding out we were having another baby.

July: Devastation and guilt felt after having a miscarriage. The joy in meeting our new little niece Aeden.

August: The blood, sweat, and tears of boot camp. Frustration that our little one was still not sleeping through the night.

September: Fun on a road trip to the interior.

October: Fear of putting Charlotte into day care. Exitement to start my new job; dissapointment when I was laid off before even starting (company downsizing)

November: Fatigue and illness after contracting mono along with Charlotte. Joy and relief at finding another buyer for our apartment.

December: Nervousness at an interview.Excitement when I got the job. Confidence on my first day. The wonder of a little one when seeing the Christmas tree lit up with presents underneath. The gratefulness for Jesus coming to this earth to save me from myself.

All in all, it was a memorable year. Here's to 2011 being just as momentous! Happy New Year everybody!

Becky the Criminal

It was just supposed to be a routine name change on my driver's license. It was one of those things that I had never gotten around to doing, and I figured after 7 years of marriage it was time to officially take my husband's name on all my paperwork.

The thought of being in the line up with the baby was a daunting one, so I decided to do it on Charlotte's day care day. Good call.

I smiled politely and gave my marriage certificate and license to the lady at the desk. She laughed when she saw our wedding date and said while giggling, "My my, is this your Christmas present to your husband?" while she looked at her computer screen. Then almost as quickly, her laugh turned to a frown and she looked at me with daggers in her eyes.

"Um, I'm sorry, but I need to confiscate your license,"she snapped. I looked at her in bewilderment, surprised by the sudden change in attitude. "I beg your pardon?" I asked. She looked at me like I was crazy, and said flatly, "Look, your license was suspended in December of 2008 for a DUI. I don't know why you still have it in your possession."

DUI? As in driving under the influence? ME? The girl who gets nervous when the hubby drives after just one beer and regularly tells friends and family off about it? I stood there dumbstruck, trying to make sense of what she was saying.

"I think there must be some mistake," I stuttered. "The only traffic violation I've ever gotten was a speeding ticket when I was 18. I don't EVER drink and drive, I don't drink now because I'm nursing my daughter, and I was pregnant at that time. Plus I was in France in December '08. Could it be identity theft?"

The reasons for why it couldn't be me started spilling out of my mouth fast and furious. I tried to keep my calm, knowing that blowing up would probably count against me. Another worker heard my pleas and came to look at my file. She took me over to a remote desk and called her superior. I could tell she didn't believe me by the way she presented my case. Thinking about it now, she must have seen a lot of guilty people at her job, and to her I was just another one in denial.

She warned me that I had commited a felony by driving for the last 2 years with a suspended license, and that had I been pulled over for a routine check or ticket I would have been brought to jail. She also told me that I had not been covered by any insurance. The thought of this started to overwhelm me, and I lost my cool and started to get pretty teary eyed. I mean, they were assuming I was guilty, and there was nothing I could do about it except proclaim my innocence. I called Julien, asking him if we still had our plane tickets, proving that I was out of the country when this so called indiscretion had occured. He assured me we did, plus my pay stubs and everything else that would prove I was abroad at the time of the crime. I started to feel a little better, and told them I would bring everything in that they needed to see.

The lady and her superior decided to call paper records in Victoria to pull out the file and at least tell me what the exact charges were, because it was classified information that she didn't have access to. After an hour and a half search, they were unable to come up with the file in Victoria, simply because it didn't exist. It turns out that they had electronically attached my driver's license number to someone else's DUI. They corrected their system and attached it to (hopefully) the right file.

So for an hour and a half, I was a criminal. Actually, I was a criminal for 2 years and just didn't know it. I have a new appreciation for people who are innocent and wronfully accused, because it's got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. I think what really bothers me is that fact that if I had had an accident or something, our entire lives would have been ruined because someone wasn't diligent in their work. That's a really scary thought.

Thank God that He was watching out for us and they were able to fix it before it was too late. Thank God.

The Big W

Work. When my little one was first born, the thought of going back was a completely overwhelming one. I mean, I was sleep deprived, sore, nursing, and just 100% not ready. When we moved back to Canada, I didn't want to work until I was sure that Charlotte had adjusted to the move. Then I wanted to wean her on her own terms. Slowly and surely, however, I started longing for a reason to dress up a little and do my hair and make up. A reason to have some adult conversations and maybe do something completely different than empty the dishwasher, wipe dirty bums and play dolls.

Thus the search for a job began. The criteria was strict. Only part time would do, no more than 16 hours a week so that I would still be able to have a family life and not leave my child to be raised at day care. It had to be close to home. NO mornings allowed. And, most important, it had to be a career job, with good pay. Good luck with that, I thought to myself. I pretty much knew a job like that would probably be impossible to find, mostly because it probably didn't exist. Part of me wondered if it was just an excuse to not work at all and just stay with the little one.

Despite my misgivings, I diligently searched for the job. Weeks went by, and applications were without follow up. I got a little discouraged, but then, there was a bite. An interview! I went to the interview and soon realized this was not at all the position I had applied for. It was better. But I wasn't sure how I had mistakenly sent my resume to this particular place. Of course, I didn't want to say anything to the interviewer. I went along with it, got through to the end of it, and went straight home to my computer. I soon discovered my error; during my job search, I had opened 2 different job tab windows at the same time. And then I had inadvertently copied the wrong email address, the one for the job I thought I was not qualified for.

Interestingly enough, I got a call back for a second interview. The hours were explained (Tuesday 2-8,Fridays 1-6, and Saturdays 8-1!) as well as what they were looking for. As I heard them speak, I KNEW this job was for me. ALL of my demanding criteria was met (ok, except for one tiny saturday morning). And the very next day, I got the call that I was to start the week of Christmas. It was such an amazing answer to prayer.

I've now been working for 3 weeks and things are great. It is so nice to come home to see my little girl. I appreciate my time with her so much more. I'm more relaxed when she has temper tantrums. I'm excited to play dolls. So, for me, the compromise between part time work and home life could not be a better one.
And everyone is happy!